I dragged myself into Trenton's, after a long day of work all I wanted to do was go home and collapse on the couch, but with Lila out and zero company I thought a beer wouldn't be too bad either.
As I walked by the door my eyes met Kolton's, who was already grinning at me. "You're up late." He commented.
"I live on the edge." I replied sarcastically, making him laugh as he brought out beer I didn't know but I trusted him to know my taste, so I was sure it'd be good. After all I had been Trenton's customer way before starting dating Lila and her brother had seen me many many times.
"Where's little sis?" He asked, sliding me the beer which I raised to him before taking a sip.
"This is good. New?" I asked just to confirm my thoughts. I was so smart. He nodded and I took another. "She's out with Colbie and my cousin Tara." I explained, wondering what the girls would be talk about...better not.
As I walked by the door my eyes met Kolton's, who was already grinning at me. "You're up late." He commented.
"I live on the edge." I replied sarcastically, making him laugh as he brought out beer I didn't know but I trusted him to know my taste, so I was sure it'd be good. After all I had been Trenton's customer way before starting dating Lila and her brother had seen me many many times.
"Where's little sis?" He asked, sliding me the beer which I raised to him before taking a sip.
"This is good. New?" I asked just to confirm my thoughts. I was so smart. He nodded and I took another. "She's out with Colbie and my cousin Tara." I explained, wondering what the girls would be talk about...better not.
"You have a cousin Tara?" He smirked. "Is she hot?"
"Seriously?" I rose a brow and folded my arms over my chest. Now, Tara was taken, but even if she wasn't I'd never let him get even one mile close to her, she was precious while he was kind of an ass. Just like me before Lila.
"Says the man living with my sister."
"She has a boyfriend." I pointed out with a shrug.
He shook his head and gave a dramatic sigh. "Damn."
"Aren't you still seeing that one girl?" I rose a brow, trying to remember our last conversation. "You know the crazy one who didn't say no to anything?"
He grinned as he opened a beer for himself and took a sip. "Shea. She is crazy." He agreed.
I laughed. "Crazy is good?" I shot him a look because crazy could be fun for a night, crazy couldn't be your girlfriend.
"Come on." He looked back at me in a way that said 'you know it is' because after all, I had been like him too.
I chuckled and took a sip of my beer. "Well if you remember her name she must be something."
"I told you man, she never says no. You don't miss girls like that?" He asked, half joking, half testing me but I was smarter than that.
I rose a brow and smirked. "What makes you think Lila says no to me?" I asked, testing him myself.
He choked on his beer. "Fuck you Cole." He shook his head as he coughed. "Unfuckingcalled for."
I laughed. "You were the one who opened that door man."
"Seriously? She's mys sister. He don't want to know anything about what she says no or yes to." He shook the thought away.
I made a face, thinking that it was a lie. Lila did say no to me sometimes. Like she said no to having a baby with me.
"You're lucky I'm not Reece" Kolton joked when I kept silent, "He'd have punched your face."
"If you were like Reece at all I wouldn't be here." I commented, not hiding my opinion about the other Trenton.
"True." He agreed.
"Why would I hang out with someone who hates me?" I muttered with a hint of amusement mixed with bitterness as I took another swig of beer.
"You're in a mood, uh?" He pointed out slowly as he raised a brow and I just shrugged. I wasn't in a mood, I was just...me. "Are you already regretting asking Lila to move in with you?" He asked and I knew he was testing me. Again. As if he was sure sooner or later I'd fuck up.
I stared at him blankly, guessing that it was fair. He had seen me with way too many girls before Lila, but he had to know by now that with her sister was another story. "Nope. It's great actually." I paused to run my hand through my hair, "After the accident she was already living with me so I didn't see the point of taking a step backward instead of forward."
"That makes sense." He commented cryptically and I could tell he wasn't completely sold on my words.
I went on, he was probably the only Trenton beside Lila whose opinion I was interested in so I wanted to make things clear. "You know, I love going back home and find her there, share with her my time and space." I explained simply, "And like that I can always keep an eye on her too."
At that he laughed, shaking his head, "Oh yeah, now you sound more like yourself." He grinned wide.
"What does that even mean?" I scoffed and finished my beer, silently asking for another one. I needed to get at least tipsy so that I'd go back home and sleep like a baby.
"I mean, controlling." He asnwered both to my words and my request, sliding another bottle in my direction as he kept drinking from his.
"You wouldn't want me not to control your sister, she's so stubborn sometimes she drives me crazy." I groaned, thinking about all the times I had told her not to do something and she had anyway.
"Oh yeah, she's a handful I know." He grinned in agreement and I was glad we had the same opinion. I didn't know the other Trenton guys enough to have an opinion on them, but I already knew that Kolton was my favorite one. He was down to earth, a normal guy, and he never judged me which was something I really liked.
I let out a sigh, thinking once again that she was too young to become a mom. I could barely handle her sometimes, we couldn't handle a baby too. I was trying my best to convince myself, I wasn't sure if I was succeeding though.
"Are you sure you're okay? You look like your puppy just died." Kolton brought me back to reality.
I found his eyes fixed on my face, studying me big brother mode. I wasn't intimidated. I respected him for looking after his sister, he did it the right way not like that pompous ass of Reece. "Yeah I'm fine. I had no puppy so." I shrugged and forced a smirk that I covered quickly with the beer I was sipping.
"You know that I like you Trav, but if I find out something's wrong with my sister I'm still going to kick your ass." He said seriously.
I laughed in his face, "Oh yeah you could try." I said back, amused because sure he wasn't too skinny but he couldn't compare to me.
He sighed and shook his head, "Just don't give me a reason to, okay?"
"I'm being a fucking saint with your sister Kolt." I muttered under my breath, a little annoyed that people would think I'd fuck up and be an a.ss. Not with Lila. I treated her like a fucking queen.
"We'll see if she agrees with that." He shrugged nonchalantly.
"Why do you think this has something to do with your sister? It could be work, my brothers, my family." I pointed out and stared at him.
"Does it?" He asked back, raising one brow.
It was my turn to sigh, I wasn't going to lie to his face. "No. It's Lila." I admitted eventually because he was driving me insane.
He narrowed his eyes on me, "What happened."
"Trust me, you don't want to know." I shook my head because I didn't think he was the right person I could talk to, even if honestly, no one was in my opinion. I was left alone with my toxic thoughts.
"Oh come on Trav." He groaned, rolling his eyes, "Unless it's sex, and I doubt that, you can tell me you know. Either that or I'll ask Lila."
"I want a baby and she doesn't." I said in one breath, quickly, and finished my second beer as I ignored how my chest tightened. I hated how I couldn't get over it.
Kolton choked on his beer hard, coughing and trying to catch his breath. I ran my hand over my face as he did, catching me glancing on him and waiting for his reaction. So far so good. “I feel like I misheard you can you say that again?” He replied finally, tapping his chest.
“You heard me right.” I replied, letting out a long sigh as I stared down at my bottle. For a bried moment I had thought that saying it out loud would've helped me. I was wrong.
“Lila is it for you isn’t she?” He said finally, the awe in his words obvious.
I blinked because how could he be suprised or even ask that? “Of course she is.” I replied, feeling a little offended.
He ran his hand over his chin and sat down on a stool behind the bar. “Fuck.” He shook his head and took a few swigs of beer.
“That’s all you’re going to say?” I asked, raising a brow at him.
He shook his head. “You want a baby?” He said softly.
I nodded. “You don’t want a family some day?”
He blinked and looked surprised again. I guessed he wasn't on that track yet. “I guess.” He said finally. “Is this because Jax and Colbie got knocked up?” He asked, pointing a look at me.
I shook my head, what did he think that I was stupid? That I wanted a kid just because my brothers had them already? “They have nothing to do with Lila and I. Yes, watching them grow their family makes me a little jealous, I’m man enough to admit that. But I’ve always wanted a family.”
“With Lila.” He added. Again.
“Yes.”
“But she doesn’t want a family….” He trailed off. “Isn’t that kind of a deal breaker for most relationships?”
I shook my head because apparently her brother had to catch up with Lila's view on life, that had changed after me. “She doesn’t think she’s ready right now-“
“Wait right now?” He asked. “This second?” He went on and I just stared at him, biting my tongue not to tell him he was an idiot. “I mean you were talking about having kids in your future right? You JUST moved in together. Maybe take it one step at a time.” He said in one breath, sounding a little nervous for a reason I didn't understand at all.
“I asked for a baby before I asked her to move in.” I admitted, not embarrassed about it.
He blinked again, folding his arms over his chest. “Why on earth would you do that?”
I felt annoyance coming at me in a giant wave. “What does that mean?”
“Lila just got over an extremely traumatic experience and then you plop a life changing decision on her that usually takes married couples a few years to decide?” He added. “If you’re serious about her? Then propose. Follow the order of things.”
“I am serious.” I growled. Who fucking cared about order of things. “Colbie and Jax didn’t-“
“Colbie and Jax didn’t plan Ruby. She was the result of two grown ass adults forgetting to use birth control, and that almost ruined them.” He pointed out. “You are making a conscious decision to alter the course of you and Lila’s life without giving her any idea that your relationship is permanent!”
“She knows! She just thinks she’s young and-“
“She IS young.” He reminded me. “And carefree, and a little wild. I wouldn’t be surprised if she never wanted to get married, let alone have kids. Not that she wouldn’t make a great mom.” He paused and I just let him talk. “That would be one lucky kid.” He grinned. “Did you even think about marrying her before you sprung this?”
"If she doesn't want to get married and have kids I'm going to leave her." I told him, getting mad at him because he wasn't understanding. On a hand I thought he was wrong, that Lila wanted those things instead, but it was her brother...what if he was right? The thought of losing Lila sent me straight into panic. What the fuck was I thinking, talking about this with Kolton? He'd never be on my side.
His eyes widened with concern. "Be careful before doing or saying something you might regret." He pointed out slowly, almost menacingly. It was as if I was always the bad one.
"I don't think that would even happen. Lila wants a family and everything, just not now." I said more calmly after taking a deep breath.
"Okay so why don't you marry her first? Let her know you're solid." He asked again, giving me the feeling I was speaking Japanese because he wasn't understanding. Then again, he wasn't exactly the relationship expert.
I groaned, exasperated. "She already knows that. Why would I ask her to make a baby if I didn't think we're going to stay together forever? Who'd ever do that?" I asked back, doing my best to show him my angle at this.
"I don't know maybe she thinks that wanting a baby doesn't mean more than it does." He shrugged simply.
"Not for me." I muttered as I remembered that he didn't know about Karlie and the baby that we hadn't had. For me, having a baby counted more than marriage. "And side note, you don't need to be married to make kids."
"Sure but maybe it'd help your case." He said slowly, looking a little confused to be honest. "You should talk to her."
"She's back on the pill so it doesn't matter anymore." I retorted in a final tone, feeling frustrated and still very upset. No one was going to be on my side, and on a second thought I didn't even care, the choice had been Lila's and Lila's only, if she couldn't convince herself then it was done. "Give me another beer please?"
Kolton ignored him and stared into my eyes before he spoke next. What the fuck was wrong with Trentons ignoring me all the damn time?! “Exactly how long did you talk to Lila about this?” He asked.
I shrugged. “It was a few weeks ago.”
He shook his head. “No Trav. Not how long ago. How long did you give her to process.”
I looked up at him. “Either she wants to have a baby or she doesn’t.”
“Okay look. I want you and Lila to stay together. I am on your team. I think you fit well and no one has ever made my sister happier than you do. Hell I haven’t seen a relationship like yours since before my dad was alive and that’s saying something.” He added, wincing a little as he mentioned his dad because that pain never went away.
“What’s your point.” I retorted flatly.
“Why do I have to tell you this Travis? You know Lila better than anyone. She’s not like other girls but she still needs time to think about things as big as having kids. You probably were thinking about it for months and had it all worked out before you said anything, but she needs to fucking talk about it man. Have you let her?” I rolled my neck to the side, cracking the bone and sighing. “I don’t want to fight….we did before…it was awful.”
“I don’t think she’d want to fight either. I do think she’d want to talk about it. About the good things and the possible bad things. You shocked the hell out of me and I’m not even involved.”
“She was right when she said she was young, that she still had a lot more in her life to do.” I shrugged.
“Colbie is young and has two kids.” He replied.
“Oh now you’re on my side?” I glared at him.
He shook his head. “Is this what you did to her? Snapped whenever she brought something up? Has she tried to talk about it since?”
“I-" I blinked as I thought back. “She got her birth control but wasn’t taking it.”
He gave me a pointed look. “And what did you say?”
"I didn't say much." I admitted and made a face, thinking about how I had fucked her brain out until none of us was able to think let alone speak.
He groaned. "Come on man can't you be less obvious?!" He shook his head.
"You didn't let me finish!" I protested with a shrug. "I told her to hurry so that we didn't have to worry anymore."
He gave me a long stare.
"What?!" I snapped, not liking the way he was looking at me.
"You told her to hurry?! Damn you're bad with words." He commented eventually, leaning his elbows on the bar counter as he kept staring at me.
I groaned again. "I'm sure you're super good instead." I fired back because I wasn't going to accept this kind of criticism from a guy who didn't talk to girls at all. "What you don't understand is...I was trying to look out for her."
"You're right I don't understand because what you just said makes no sense." He said back simply.
I ran my hands through my hair, wishing I could just connect my brain to his instead of focusing on putting my thoughts into words. "When I first told her I wanted a baby she was very clear that she didn't want it. She even laughed in my face." I paused.
"Eh Lila's not always the wisest but she's young." He nodded.
"25 is not that young anymore, she's not a baby." I commented, glaring at him even if he was right. "Anyway that's beside the point. She told me she didn't want a baby and that was it, after we fought I tried to come to terms to that and I'm still trying, even if I understand where she's coming from....I can't help being upset. It's going to take me a while to stop probably but in the meantime I still worry for her, I don't want her to get accidentally pregnant since she's not on birth control. Even if I want that, I know she doesn't so I'd never trick her into that, it'd be fucked up." I took a deep breath, feeling as if I was going crazy. "I don't even know if I'm making sense right now but can't you see why I said what I said? I don't want to convince her to have a baby with me, if she's not ready then nothing will change that and I'll respect her decision no matter how hard it is for me. And sure as hell I'm not going to bring this up again with her because I don't want to hear her say no again. Maybe we'll talk about it in one year or two or ten, when she'll be ready and I'll be old as fuck."
He seemed taken aback by my last words and laughed. "Dude, how old are you?! 60?!"
"I'm 33 but I'm not getting any younger." I muttered under my breath, wanting a cigarette desperately. And another beer.
“What if she wasn’t going to say no again?” Kolton asked, sliding me another bottle, giving me a look that told me he was cutting me off after this.
“She laughed Kolt. Like it was a joke to have my baby.”
He nodded, processing my words. “I’m sure she didn’t mean to hurt you.” He replied, ignoring how cheesy that sounded but he shrugged.
“I’m sure she didn’t too. Doesn’t change anything.” I pointed out honestly.
“Mom had Parker when she was younger than Lila. Colbie had Will when she was barely even an adult. Maybe she just wants to do things the right way.”
“Parker and Will turned out pretty good. Who says there’s a right way?” I asked back. Will was amazing. Parker...eh, I didn't know him enough.
“I still think you should marry her.” He added.
“Who says I don’t want that?” I asked. I did want that, so much.
He smirked, it turning into a big grin. Too big.
“Why are you grinning like a girl?” I asked.
“I dunno it’d be cool if you and Lila got married.” He shrugged.
“I don’t know if she thinks that.” I said sipping my beer, only adding another doubt to my many others.
“Lila’s not traditional, but she loves you more than I’ve ever loved anything. Maybe the ring doesn’t matter much, but I’m sure she wouldn’t turn you down. And then it might be easier to think about starting a family.” He said and I shrugged and then he pinned me with his stare. “You said you’d leave her if she didn’t want the same things you did. I don’t blame you for that. But don’t drag her along and let either of you fall deeper for each other if you really don’t think you’ll work.”
"I don't think that's even possible." I told him quietly, drinking my beer and feeling a little better. I hadn't solved anything but at least I had talked to someone. "Falling deeper than this? No fucking way. We're already as deep as it can be. I'm losing my sanity for you sister in case you didn't notice."
He shrugged and his eyes softened. "Yeah when you were going around crashing chairs into the hospital walls didn't look to sane." He smirked. And he didn't even know about the pregnancy scare we had had when we hadn't even been a couple.
"See, I'm totally ruined. If it's not Lila then I'm done, I don't think I could ever recover or find someone else." I made it sound like I was joking, exaggerating, but I meant what I said. There was only Lila for me. "And I lied earlier when I said I'd leave her if she didn't want the same things I do. I know it'd be the best thing but I just could never leave her for any reason, even if it'd destroy us."
He rubbed his hands across his face. "I hope you don't mean it, or I'd have to kill you if you ever did something like that."
"Let's hope your sister is on board with my plan." I shot him a teasing grin, once again super serious no matter the expression on my face.
"I doubt she'd ever leave you either." He commented with a sigh and I was sure he was happy to be single right now. Less problems, but also less everything else.
I shrugged because nothing was sure in life, I had learnt that the hard way. Then it downed on me. "You're going to tell her we talked." I asked even if it didn't sound like a question at all.
“Why? We talk all the time.” Kolton rose a brow.
“Not about stuff like this.” I said a little awkwardly.
“I know it’s like I’ve officially become your best girlfriend.”
I shook my head with a grin. That was why I liked him. "Shut the fu.ck up.” I laughed.
“You didn’t say anything that Lila doesn’t already know.” He said seriously. “In fact I’m sure you didn’t even tell me the whole story.”
“You don’t want to know our whole story.” I pointed out. “There’s a reason I don’t miss girls like…what was her name? Shea Butter?”
“Ha ha.” He shook his head. “You’re right I don’t want to know. But I do think YOU should talk to her more about what you’re feeling.”
“Thanks Dr. Phil.” I replied sarcastically.
“I’m not pretending to be some relationship expert but fuck if I wanted what you wanted as bad as you seem to want it? I’d fight for it.”
“I don’t want to make her do something she doesn’t want to do.”
“Did she ever say the words I don’t want a baby?” He asked.
“Not so directly.” I answered.
“I could convince her for you. I’m very persuasive.” He grinned, cleaning up the rest of the bar as he finished his beer and locking the door since we were past closed at this point.
“Are you?” I laughed.
“Yeah I could talk about how I’ll never have my own so I need as many nieces and nephews as I can get.”
I laughed again. “Just wait until you find the girl who changes your mind.”
“I’m open to that. If a perfect girl walked into his life right now I wouldn’t walk away. But the world isn’t full of perfect girls so I’ll settle for perfect looking.” He winked.
"That gets boring trust me. You need to find the whole package." I told him, feeling lighter than before.
"I'll start with the looks then I'll keep my fingers crossed that the rest is just as good." He said with a straight face that made me grin.
I shook my head, getting up from my stool. "I'm lucky I found your sister. She's perfect for me." I told him honestly.
He nodded in agreement as he walked around the counter, "I know right?" He chuckled.
My phone vibrated against my chest and I grabbed it, "Speaking of the devil." I brought my phone to my ear, grinning at Kolt, "Hey baby."
"Mhm Trav...did I ever tell you you have a sexy voice?" Lila said loud enough for her brother to hear and groan.
"A few times yes." I said back, trying to pay for my beers and getting a glare from Kolton as he escorted me outside. "I'm with Kolton."
"Tell him I say hi!!!" She squealed in my ear, making me deaf.
I made a face while Kolton chuckled. "Alright baby do you need me to come and rescue you?" I asked her.
"Yes please." She said back and a second later the line went dead.
"She said hi in case you didn't hear that." I sighed, fishing for the key of my car into the pocket of my jacket.
He grinned back at me, "She sounded happy."
"And drunk." I added as I finally lit a cigarette.
"Take good care of her." He told me half teasing and half serious.
I smiled at him, genuinely happy to have found in him a friend and not just my girls brother. "I always do."
"Seriously?" I rose a brow and folded my arms over my chest. Now, Tara was taken, but even if she wasn't I'd never let him get even one mile close to her, she was precious while he was kind of an ass. Just like me before Lila.
"Says the man living with my sister."
"She has a boyfriend." I pointed out with a shrug.
He shook his head and gave a dramatic sigh. "Damn."
"Aren't you still seeing that one girl?" I rose a brow, trying to remember our last conversation. "You know the crazy one who didn't say no to anything?"
He grinned as he opened a beer for himself and took a sip. "Shea. She is crazy." He agreed.
I laughed. "Crazy is good?" I shot him a look because crazy could be fun for a night, crazy couldn't be your girlfriend.
"Come on." He looked back at me in a way that said 'you know it is' because after all, I had been like him too.
I chuckled and took a sip of my beer. "Well if you remember her name she must be something."
"I told you man, she never says no. You don't miss girls like that?" He asked, half joking, half testing me but I was smarter than that.
I rose a brow and smirked. "What makes you think Lila says no to me?" I asked, testing him myself.
He choked on his beer. "Fuck you Cole." He shook his head as he coughed. "Unfuckingcalled for."
I laughed. "You were the one who opened that door man."
"Seriously? She's mys sister. He don't want to know anything about what she says no or yes to." He shook the thought away.
I made a face, thinking that it was a lie. Lila did say no to me sometimes. Like she said no to having a baby with me.
"You're lucky I'm not Reece" Kolton joked when I kept silent, "He'd have punched your face."
"If you were like Reece at all I wouldn't be here." I commented, not hiding my opinion about the other Trenton.
"True." He agreed.
"Why would I hang out with someone who hates me?" I muttered with a hint of amusement mixed with bitterness as I took another swig of beer.
"You're in a mood, uh?" He pointed out slowly as he raised a brow and I just shrugged. I wasn't in a mood, I was just...me. "Are you already regretting asking Lila to move in with you?" He asked and I knew he was testing me. Again. As if he was sure sooner or later I'd fuck up.
I stared at him blankly, guessing that it was fair. He had seen me with way too many girls before Lila, but he had to know by now that with her sister was another story. "Nope. It's great actually." I paused to run my hand through my hair, "After the accident she was already living with me so I didn't see the point of taking a step backward instead of forward."
"That makes sense." He commented cryptically and I could tell he wasn't completely sold on my words.
I went on, he was probably the only Trenton beside Lila whose opinion I was interested in so I wanted to make things clear. "You know, I love going back home and find her there, share with her my time and space." I explained simply, "And like that I can always keep an eye on her too."
At that he laughed, shaking his head, "Oh yeah, now you sound more like yourself." He grinned wide.
"What does that even mean?" I scoffed and finished my beer, silently asking for another one. I needed to get at least tipsy so that I'd go back home and sleep like a baby.
"I mean, controlling." He asnwered both to my words and my request, sliding another bottle in my direction as he kept drinking from his.
"You wouldn't want me not to control your sister, she's so stubborn sometimes she drives me crazy." I groaned, thinking about all the times I had told her not to do something and she had anyway.
"Oh yeah, she's a handful I know." He grinned in agreement and I was glad we had the same opinion. I didn't know the other Trenton guys enough to have an opinion on them, but I already knew that Kolton was my favorite one. He was down to earth, a normal guy, and he never judged me which was something I really liked.
I let out a sigh, thinking once again that she was too young to become a mom. I could barely handle her sometimes, we couldn't handle a baby too. I was trying my best to convince myself, I wasn't sure if I was succeeding though.
"Are you sure you're okay? You look like your puppy just died." Kolton brought me back to reality.
I found his eyes fixed on my face, studying me big brother mode. I wasn't intimidated. I respected him for looking after his sister, he did it the right way not like that pompous ass of Reece. "Yeah I'm fine. I had no puppy so." I shrugged and forced a smirk that I covered quickly with the beer I was sipping.
"You know that I like you Trav, but if I find out something's wrong with my sister I'm still going to kick your ass." He said seriously.
I laughed in his face, "Oh yeah you could try." I said back, amused because sure he wasn't too skinny but he couldn't compare to me.
He sighed and shook his head, "Just don't give me a reason to, okay?"
"I'm being a fucking saint with your sister Kolt." I muttered under my breath, a little annoyed that people would think I'd fuck up and be an a.ss. Not with Lila. I treated her like a fucking queen.
"We'll see if she agrees with that." He shrugged nonchalantly.
"Why do you think this has something to do with your sister? It could be work, my brothers, my family." I pointed out and stared at him.
"Does it?" He asked back, raising one brow.
It was my turn to sigh, I wasn't going to lie to his face. "No. It's Lila." I admitted eventually because he was driving me insane.
He narrowed his eyes on me, "What happened."
"Trust me, you don't want to know." I shook my head because I didn't think he was the right person I could talk to, even if honestly, no one was in my opinion. I was left alone with my toxic thoughts.
"Oh come on Trav." He groaned, rolling his eyes, "Unless it's sex, and I doubt that, you can tell me you know. Either that or I'll ask Lila."
"I want a baby and she doesn't." I said in one breath, quickly, and finished my second beer as I ignored how my chest tightened. I hated how I couldn't get over it.
Kolton choked on his beer hard, coughing and trying to catch his breath. I ran my hand over my face as he did, catching me glancing on him and waiting for his reaction. So far so good. “I feel like I misheard you can you say that again?” He replied finally, tapping his chest.
“You heard me right.” I replied, letting out a long sigh as I stared down at my bottle. For a bried moment I had thought that saying it out loud would've helped me. I was wrong.
“Lila is it for you isn’t she?” He said finally, the awe in his words obvious.
I blinked because how could he be suprised or even ask that? “Of course she is.” I replied, feeling a little offended.
He ran his hand over his chin and sat down on a stool behind the bar. “Fuck.” He shook his head and took a few swigs of beer.
“That’s all you’re going to say?” I asked, raising a brow at him.
He shook his head. “You want a baby?” He said softly.
I nodded. “You don’t want a family some day?”
He blinked and looked surprised again. I guessed he wasn't on that track yet. “I guess.” He said finally. “Is this because Jax and Colbie got knocked up?” He asked, pointing a look at me.
I shook my head, what did he think that I was stupid? That I wanted a kid just because my brothers had them already? “They have nothing to do with Lila and I. Yes, watching them grow their family makes me a little jealous, I’m man enough to admit that. But I’ve always wanted a family.”
“With Lila.” He added. Again.
“Yes.”
“But she doesn’t want a family….” He trailed off. “Isn’t that kind of a deal breaker for most relationships?”
I shook my head because apparently her brother had to catch up with Lila's view on life, that had changed after me. “She doesn’t think she’s ready right now-“
“Wait right now?” He asked. “This second?” He went on and I just stared at him, biting my tongue not to tell him he was an idiot. “I mean you were talking about having kids in your future right? You JUST moved in together. Maybe take it one step at a time.” He said in one breath, sounding a little nervous for a reason I didn't understand at all.
“I asked for a baby before I asked her to move in.” I admitted, not embarrassed about it.
He blinked again, folding his arms over his chest. “Why on earth would you do that?”
I felt annoyance coming at me in a giant wave. “What does that mean?”
“Lila just got over an extremely traumatic experience and then you plop a life changing decision on her that usually takes married couples a few years to decide?” He added. “If you’re serious about her? Then propose. Follow the order of things.”
“I am serious.” I growled. Who fucking cared about order of things. “Colbie and Jax didn’t-“
“Colbie and Jax didn’t plan Ruby. She was the result of two grown ass adults forgetting to use birth control, and that almost ruined them.” He pointed out. “You are making a conscious decision to alter the course of you and Lila’s life without giving her any idea that your relationship is permanent!”
“She knows! She just thinks she’s young and-“
“She IS young.” He reminded me. “And carefree, and a little wild. I wouldn’t be surprised if she never wanted to get married, let alone have kids. Not that she wouldn’t make a great mom.” He paused and I just let him talk. “That would be one lucky kid.” He grinned. “Did you even think about marrying her before you sprung this?”
"If she doesn't want to get married and have kids I'm going to leave her." I told him, getting mad at him because he wasn't understanding. On a hand I thought he was wrong, that Lila wanted those things instead, but it was her brother...what if he was right? The thought of losing Lila sent me straight into panic. What the fuck was I thinking, talking about this with Kolton? He'd never be on my side.
His eyes widened with concern. "Be careful before doing or saying something you might regret." He pointed out slowly, almost menacingly. It was as if I was always the bad one.
"I don't think that would even happen. Lila wants a family and everything, just not now." I said more calmly after taking a deep breath.
"Okay so why don't you marry her first? Let her know you're solid." He asked again, giving me the feeling I was speaking Japanese because he wasn't understanding. Then again, he wasn't exactly the relationship expert.
I groaned, exasperated. "She already knows that. Why would I ask her to make a baby if I didn't think we're going to stay together forever? Who'd ever do that?" I asked back, doing my best to show him my angle at this.
"I don't know maybe she thinks that wanting a baby doesn't mean more than it does." He shrugged simply.
"Not for me." I muttered as I remembered that he didn't know about Karlie and the baby that we hadn't had. For me, having a baby counted more than marriage. "And side note, you don't need to be married to make kids."
"Sure but maybe it'd help your case." He said slowly, looking a little confused to be honest. "You should talk to her."
"She's back on the pill so it doesn't matter anymore." I retorted in a final tone, feeling frustrated and still very upset. No one was going to be on my side, and on a second thought I didn't even care, the choice had been Lila's and Lila's only, if she couldn't convince herself then it was done. "Give me another beer please?"
Kolton ignored him and stared into my eyes before he spoke next. What the fuck was wrong with Trentons ignoring me all the damn time?! “Exactly how long did you talk to Lila about this?” He asked.
I shrugged. “It was a few weeks ago.”
He shook his head. “No Trav. Not how long ago. How long did you give her to process.”
I looked up at him. “Either she wants to have a baby or she doesn’t.”
“Okay look. I want you and Lila to stay together. I am on your team. I think you fit well and no one has ever made my sister happier than you do. Hell I haven’t seen a relationship like yours since before my dad was alive and that’s saying something.” He added, wincing a little as he mentioned his dad because that pain never went away.
“What’s your point.” I retorted flatly.
“Why do I have to tell you this Travis? You know Lila better than anyone. She’s not like other girls but she still needs time to think about things as big as having kids. You probably were thinking about it for months and had it all worked out before you said anything, but she needs to fucking talk about it man. Have you let her?” I rolled my neck to the side, cracking the bone and sighing. “I don’t want to fight….we did before…it was awful.”
“I don’t think she’d want to fight either. I do think she’d want to talk about it. About the good things and the possible bad things. You shocked the hell out of me and I’m not even involved.”
“She was right when she said she was young, that she still had a lot more in her life to do.” I shrugged.
“Colbie is young and has two kids.” He replied.
“Oh now you’re on my side?” I glared at him.
He shook his head. “Is this what you did to her? Snapped whenever she brought something up? Has she tried to talk about it since?”
“I-" I blinked as I thought back. “She got her birth control but wasn’t taking it.”
He gave me a pointed look. “And what did you say?”
"I didn't say much." I admitted and made a face, thinking about how I had fucked her brain out until none of us was able to think let alone speak.
He groaned. "Come on man can't you be less obvious?!" He shook his head.
"You didn't let me finish!" I protested with a shrug. "I told her to hurry so that we didn't have to worry anymore."
He gave me a long stare.
"What?!" I snapped, not liking the way he was looking at me.
"You told her to hurry?! Damn you're bad with words." He commented eventually, leaning his elbows on the bar counter as he kept staring at me.
I groaned again. "I'm sure you're super good instead." I fired back because I wasn't going to accept this kind of criticism from a guy who didn't talk to girls at all. "What you don't understand is...I was trying to look out for her."
"You're right I don't understand because what you just said makes no sense." He said back simply.
I ran my hands through my hair, wishing I could just connect my brain to his instead of focusing on putting my thoughts into words. "When I first told her I wanted a baby she was very clear that she didn't want it. She even laughed in my face." I paused.
"Eh Lila's not always the wisest but she's young." He nodded.
"25 is not that young anymore, she's not a baby." I commented, glaring at him even if he was right. "Anyway that's beside the point. She told me she didn't want a baby and that was it, after we fought I tried to come to terms to that and I'm still trying, even if I understand where she's coming from....I can't help being upset. It's going to take me a while to stop probably but in the meantime I still worry for her, I don't want her to get accidentally pregnant since she's not on birth control. Even if I want that, I know she doesn't so I'd never trick her into that, it'd be fucked up." I took a deep breath, feeling as if I was going crazy. "I don't even know if I'm making sense right now but can't you see why I said what I said? I don't want to convince her to have a baby with me, if she's not ready then nothing will change that and I'll respect her decision no matter how hard it is for me. And sure as hell I'm not going to bring this up again with her because I don't want to hear her say no again. Maybe we'll talk about it in one year or two or ten, when she'll be ready and I'll be old as fuck."
He seemed taken aback by my last words and laughed. "Dude, how old are you?! 60?!"
"I'm 33 but I'm not getting any younger." I muttered under my breath, wanting a cigarette desperately. And another beer.
“What if she wasn’t going to say no again?” Kolton asked, sliding me another bottle, giving me a look that told me he was cutting me off after this.
“She laughed Kolt. Like it was a joke to have my baby.”
He nodded, processing my words. “I’m sure she didn’t mean to hurt you.” He replied, ignoring how cheesy that sounded but he shrugged.
“I’m sure she didn’t too. Doesn’t change anything.” I pointed out honestly.
“Mom had Parker when she was younger than Lila. Colbie had Will when she was barely even an adult. Maybe she just wants to do things the right way.”
“Parker and Will turned out pretty good. Who says there’s a right way?” I asked back. Will was amazing. Parker...eh, I didn't know him enough.
“I still think you should marry her.” He added.
“Who says I don’t want that?” I asked. I did want that, so much.
He smirked, it turning into a big grin. Too big.
“Why are you grinning like a girl?” I asked.
“I dunno it’d be cool if you and Lila got married.” He shrugged.
“I don’t know if she thinks that.” I said sipping my beer, only adding another doubt to my many others.
“Lila’s not traditional, but she loves you more than I’ve ever loved anything. Maybe the ring doesn’t matter much, but I’m sure she wouldn’t turn you down. And then it might be easier to think about starting a family.” He said and I shrugged and then he pinned me with his stare. “You said you’d leave her if she didn’t want the same things you did. I don’t blame you for that. But don’t drag her along and let either of you fall deeper for each other if you really don’t think you’ll work.”
"I don't think that's even possible." I told him quietly, drinking my beer and feeling a little better. I hadn't solved anything but at least I had talked to someone. "Falling deeper than this? No fucking way. We're already as deep as it can be. I'm losing my sanity for you sister in case you didn't notice."
He shrugged and his eyes softened. "Yeah when you were going around crashing chairs into the hospital walls didn't look to sane." He smirked. And he didn't even know about the pregnancy scare we had had when we hadn't even been a couple.
"See, I'm totally ruined. If it's not Lila then I'm done, I don't think I could ever recover or find someone else." I made it sound like I was joking, exaggerating, but I meant what I said. There was only Lila for me. "And I lied earlier when I said I'd leave her if she didn't want the same things I do. I know it'd be the best thing but I just could never leave her for any reason, even if it'd destroy us."
He rubbed his hands across his face. "I hope you don't mean it, or I'd have to kill you if you ever did something like that."
"Let's hope your sister is on board with my plan." I shot him a teasing grin, once again super serious no matter the expression on my face.
"I doubt she'd ever leave you either." He commented with a sigh and I was sure he was happy to be single right now. Less problems, but also less everything else.
I shrugged because nothing was sure in life, I had learnt that the hard way. Then it downed on me. "You're going to tell her we talked." I asked even if it didn't sound like a question at all.
“Why? We talk all the time.” Kolton rose a brow.
“Not about stuff like this.” I said a little awkwardly.
“I know it’s like I’ve officially become your best girlfriend.”
I shook my head with a grin. That was why I liked him. "Shut the fu.ck up.” I laughed.
“You didn’t say anything that Lila doesn’t already know.” He said seriously. “In fact I’m sure you didn’t even tell me the whole story.”
“You don’t want to know our whole story.” I pointed out. “There’s a reason I don’t miss girls like…what was her name? Shea Butter?”
“Ha ha.” He shook his head. “You’re right I don’t want to know. But I do think YOU should talk to her more about what you’re feeling.”
“Thanks Dr. Phil.” I replied sarcastically.
“I’m not pretending to be some relationship expert but fuck if I wanted what you wanted as bad as you seem to want it? I’d fight for it.”
“I don’t want to make her do something she doesn’t want to do.”
“Did she ever say the words I don’t want a baby?” He asked.
“Not so directly.” I answered.
“I could convince her for you. I’m very persuasive.” He grinned, cleaning up the rest of the bar as he finished his beer and locking the door since we were past closed at this point.
“Are you?” I laughed.
“Yeah I could talk about how I’ll never have my own so I need as many nieces and nephews as I can get.”
I laughed again. “Just wait until you find the girl who changes your mind.”
“I’m open to that. If a perfect girl walked into his life right now I wouldn’t walk away. But the world isn’t full of perfect girls so I’ll settle for perfect looking.” He winked.
"That gets boring trust me. You need to find the whole package." I told him, feeling lighter than before.
"I'll start with the looks then I'll keep my fingers crossed that the rest is just as good." He said with a straight face that made me grin.
I shook my head, getting up from my stool. "I'm lucky I found your sister. She's perfect for me." I told him honestly.
He nodded in agreement as he walked around the counter, "I know right?" He chuckled.
My phone vibrated against my chest and I grabbed it, "Speaking of the devil." I brought my phone to my ear, grinning at Kolt, "Hey baby."
"Mhm Trav...did I ever tell you you have a sexy voice?" Lila said loud enough for her brother to hear and groan.
"A few times yes." I said back, trying to pay for my beers and getting a glare from Kolton as he escorted me outside. "I'm with Kolton."
"Tell him I say hi!!!" She squealed in my ear, making me deaf.
I made a face while Kolton chuckled. "Alright baby do you need me to come and rescue you?" I asked her.
"Yes please." She said back and a second later the line went dead.
"She said hi in case you didn't hear that." I sighed, fishing for the key of my car into the pocket of my jacket.
He grinned back at me, "She sounded happy."
"And drunk." I added as I finally lit a cigarette.
"Take good care of her." He told me half teasing and half serious.
I smiled at him, genuinely happy to have found in him a friend and not just my girls brother. "I always do."
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